NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. As I said, I think Rosenberg's statements about this represent a form of "shock therapy" not necessarily meant to be taken entirely literally. Straight Talk About Communication Research Methods. My take on your comparison is that the issues you point to, variously: It all seems valuable to me to engage with. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication 1. No Captcha, no questions, no counting animals, no puzzles, no math. Check IP or Email with the Blacklists Database. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. Talk to a Coach . Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. . CleanTalk Awards. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. I have an understanding that moralistic language is part of a larger pattern of trying to control people through punishment and reward in ways that tend to disconnect people from their own beneficial intrinsic motivations and inner wisdom, and that moralistic language tends to increase separation between people when some of those involved are cast as being at risk of being seen as morally wrong. (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude.". I invite you to let me know. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. The second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen. When we closet-fight, MFP write, The message is: Youre bad, youre bad, youre bad. Its true that NVC makes it harder to shame someone, if that is one's intention but, Im not sure that shaming produces the effects a parent would really want to produce if they thought about all aspects of their childs situation. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. . By choosing "Accept", you agree to the storage of all types of cookies used on the site. Clean Talk can afford to be more restrictive in how it defines feelings since saying thats not a pure feeling simply changes how the idea gets expressed, not whether it gets expressed. You write "Without expressing judgments, for example, how do I share my most precious beliefs with my children or those I teach or mentor? The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call clean communication. Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP) define clean communication as taking responsibility for the impact of what you say. By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds ones partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and respectfully work through their differences. All Speakers. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. One thing we want to mention is that more and more transactions switch to online and this is where we can help you in bad IP-addresses detection. You say "Clean Talk allows for the expression of anger in the same manner as other emotions and contrast this with NVCs encouragement to transform anger and then express what was at the heart of our anger. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. The score for this software has improved over the past month. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. Its written by men (one of which runs a mens support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. After a true transformation, the (moralistic) judgment is gone, replaced by a new way of experiencing the situation. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? Podcast #862: Heal the Body With Extended Fasting, Podcast #761: How Testosterone Makes Men, Men, How Saunas Can Help Save Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness, The Insanely Difficult Standards of Historys Hardest P.E. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. One way of expressing the concern behind NVCs advice on this is that it can be harmful to praise or offer compliments that imply that there is an objective standard of goodness and that the speaker is entitled to pronounce judgments on behalf of that objective standard. In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. This pseudo-objectivity and deep association with extrinsic motivators render such language and judgments as instruments of social and interpersonal control in ways that make conversations involving moral disagreements unsafe and fraught with challenge. Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. It's called the "Clean Buildings, Clean Air" ordinance. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. Id like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs]., Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a contaminated message. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. I think it was more about establishing a certain detachment with regard to our judgments, not taking them too seriously, and developing a habit of using our judgments as doorways to deeper, more loving, experiences. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. . "You're acting so childish right now." "Oh boo-hoo. So, in my judgment, using the word need when talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings. Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I agree that this is unduly limiting. This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. All that NVC says is that, when trying to connect with another human being, there are often more fruitful things to focus on, in our speaking, and in our listening, than on the sort of thinking that many people habitually focus on. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. In the example you offered, the inaccuracy could also have been exposed by sharing an observation such as "You didn't call me" without layering on judgment (pejorative speculation about others reasons) by saying "You couldn't be bothered to call me.". What is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers It is automatic. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Messy talk and clean technology: communication, problem-solving and Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent.
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